Older and Wiser
Maybe it's my generation, maybe it's human nature, maybe it's just me...
But I have had trouble picking the brains of veteran parents. I don't know why. Maybe I trust in my own ideas too much. Maybe I trust what I read too much. Maybe I'm intimidated. Maybe I forget to field the neccessary questions. Maybe I'm afraid they'll think I'm doing it all wrong.
Whatever it is, I think it's driven by my own pride and fear.
I've decided to question the heck out of those whose kids have chosen to stick around at church through college and adulthood, those whose teenage boys aren't afraid to put their arm around dad in public, those who have loved and lived, and struggled along many miles of the road I am just stepping onto.
Why not? It seems foolish to ignore the wealth of wisdom surrounding me. So here I go.
Maybe it's my generation, maybe it's human nature, maybe it's just me...
But I have had trouble picking the brains of veteran parents. I don't know why. Maybe I trust in my own ideas too much. Maybe I trust what I read too much. Maybe I'm intimidated. Maybe I forget to field the neccessary questions. Maybe I'm afraid they'll think I'm doing it all wrong.
Whatever it is, I think it's driven by my own pride and fear.
I've decided to question the heck out of those whose kids have chosen to stick around at church through college and adulthood, those whose teenage boys aren't afraid to put their arm around dad in public, those who have loved and lived, and struggled along many miles of the road I am just stepping onto.
Why not? It seems foolish to ignore the wealth of wisdom surrounding me. So here I go.
8 Comments:
Please share what you learn. I'm desperate to learn.
I have three adult children. I "like" them as well as love them.
Two are still going to church, one married a Jewish man, so she only goes when she visits us.
I think the most important thing to a child is to involve them in everything you do. When you go out to dinner, take them. When you go to parties, take them, when you run into friends, introduce them.
I think its all about respect. It is a two way street you know.
Dont try to be their friends, you are the parent. Also keep the line drawn, even into adulthood.
Hope that helps/
My kids will say it was their Greek immigrant father that kept them in line. Maybe so with the girls, but I dont know.
The Greeks are very family oriented, so it was easy for us.
I am SO the opposite! I used to read all the parenting books that were recommended by people online or friend my age (I thought reading this stuff was just as helpful to a child caregiver as to a parent, so I wanted to learn). But after working in a daycare/preschool and as a nanny for years, I became absolutely distrustful of the child training and rearing philosophies that any book I picked up advocated. I looked at what brats those kids whose parents followed this advice were, and looked at my aunt's six kids, our best friends' six kids, and all the other big "traditional" families that I've grown up around, and started begging all these parents to tell me how they did it.
I don't have kids yet, but I sure have learned a lot from all these parents that have the wisdom of experience, and the advertisment of wonderful, responsible, respectful teenage and adult children who still hold to their parents religious beliefs and values. I'm sure I'll still have a stack of books to read when I have kids, but I'll take my aunt's advice over Dr. Sears or Gary Ezzo any day. I know hers works.
So anyway, just wanted to say that asking can be a wonderful thing! Their advice will be time-tested and you will be able to see the results of what they have done. Good luck!
I have no clue what my parents did, but by "the worlds" standards, I think the four of us turned out all right.
One tiny thing is that my parents would never stay upset or mad at us if we did something wrong. We always were confronted with consequences and were punished for our wrongdoings, but no matter what, they always always made an effort to "win us back" to let us know that it wasn't the end of the world and that they still loved us.
I have vivid memories of running to my room, sobbing, because I'd get in deep trouble. I'd be so angry/ashamed/guilty! And then, about an hour or so later, my dad would come in try and get me to smile. He'd just wait there, as I sulked. I hated fighting the smiles back, but now I look back and those are some very tender, lovely memories.
From it all I learned that getting in trouble really wasn't worth it (because of the direct consquences), and yet they taught me that, when and if it happens, they'll always love me no matter what.
SusanSophia...I shall indeed :)
Susan...I can't imagine being at the end of the road, what an amazing thing to look at your children as adults. What a great time that must be. Thank you for sharing. I like the respect thing. Making them feel important and connected and remembering their personhood.
Arielle, Yeah it seems like the more experience I have, the less I rely on the things I idealized or thoeretically attached to. Although I'm glad I read and researched, it helped me feel confident when I was starting out...maybe a little cocky. I dunno. And I have found some things really helpful. I just think I've seen to many extremes on both the ezzo and sears sides that I feel done with trying to follow something because it's what they suggest. Knowing your kid seems so important, and trying to bring up children who love God and know how to pray, etc. is different than producing someone who will slip into society properly. It seems like it takes different thoughts and actions. Just thinking aloud, sorry :)
XK, I had a similar experience with my parents, I hated disappointing them or losing their trust. It sounds like your parents were very loving and nurtured a good relationship with you...how blessed you are. Thank you for sharing :)
I had made a big long post earlier and then blogger lost it, darn it!
So, what I have learned in my brief time child rearing, is that we can look to certain ideals and other families we respect, but I agree Sara, we have to know our own kids. What may work for one family may not work in my family at all. I think I've tried to take the pressure off of myself to be a perfect mom and comparing myself to others and following a certain idealogy. I take what I like and what works from those and pray/hope for the best.
There is NO book written about raising your children, unless it is written by you!! Only you know what goes on in their lives and minds.
I think our children were terribly afraid of disappointing us, and the community. (Greek community)
three kids later, and the best advice I can give is this: trust you instincts.
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